I also remembered that I haven’t posted on said blog in a very long while.

I decided that today I’d write a little bit about how I’m feeling today. For the casual viewer… you might want to read something else… I know I would.

Anyways… to start things off… I’m really fucking depressed right now. Not exactly sure what it is… but I think it is a mix of nostalgia, longing for other possible outcomes, or a general loneliness after realizing that it is Friday night and not only is there no one for me to talk to, but realizing that even if I did, I don’t think that I can really explain why I’m feeling the way I am.

I am currently in tears… I didn’t start crying until I wrote this. Though looking back on my life I’ve had several of these moments. Moments that I can see that I am alone, not just at the current moment; but through most of my life. At the times in my life that I’ve realized this before… I usually just try and go to sleep, and in the morning I might find that I have written something like this, maybe I just will be left with a memory to push out of mind.  I do this because I know that this is a repeating cycle; the more lonely I feel the more lonely I am likely to become. But I also feel that this is not good. I need to attack whatever is making me feel this way. But that brings up a new point.

I sometimes feel like I am two people. I have my moments of over-excitedness ,usually to the point of being too chaotic (for lack of a better word) for people. But then I have my moments that I really hate everyone. Though all the while “I” am aware that “I” am acting this way. When I think about it provides a very strange disconnect.

I think this disconnect is the root of my mental problems.  I never feel that I am really consciously communicating with anyone. However it is never just one feeling of disconnect. To explain it in semi-philosophical terms; At times I feel like I’m just a brain in a jar, my own mind creating what is happening and what is going to happen around me… I have a feeling that I have a hint of how something is going to turn out. At other times, I feel like a specter, not really existing in this world… but just observing.

At times I truly feel like I’m going crazy… or that I’ve always been crazy.  But I always rely back on the “common knowledge” that if you know you are going crazy you aren’t going crazy. Whether or not that is actually true… I don’t care… because it has seemed to help me keep my sanity together somewhat.

As I get to this point, I’ve stopped tearing profusely… I feel better, and I can start to express my hate of crying…

Crying fucking sucks… whenever I’ve cried publicly, someone always wants to ask if I’m doing OK. Yes, I know they are being polite, but if I wanted or needed help I would ask them. Point 2: At times like today, I feel like I have no way of escaping crying… if I do, I just start feeling more and more depressed about whatever till I do.

Nevertheless, I still feel like it is unhealthy… I usually think about death and what would happen if I died at least once during each of these “episodes”… and even in my darkest depressions, I end up deciding that even though death might finally “calm the storm”; there are people out there that care about me. (WTF. I’m tearing up again writing that. FUCK CRYING! ok done.)  But back on topic, I don’t think that thinking over the positives and negatives of suicide on a yearly basis is a good habit.

As horrible as I know it sounds, watching “Final Destination” the other day has sorta gotten to me. The inevitability and unpredictability of death is terrifying. It also (I can’t believe I’m writing this) has sorta knocked the “teenage-invincibility” out of me.  I can’t just sorta roll through life. Each one of my actions has ramifications (as do each of my inactions). But at the same time, I feel like I have lost control of my life;  but I can’t clearly explain why I feel that way.

Which brings me to my final point. I really hate it when I can’t express myself. Even thinking about not being able to explain what I’m thinking frustrates me to no end (It also makes it even harder for me to find the words I want to use…).

So this is going to be the final paragraph/sentence-thingy. If you’ve read through all of this… I’m sorry. Also, I’m not as much of a pussy/crazy as this makes me out to be. I just had to get all of this off my chest. And I can say right now, it feels pretty nice.

The movie idea is based around the Orwellian idea of “doublethink.”  But more along the lines of partisan politics… both sides seem to believe that if the other party makes the decisions it will cause some catastrophic event. However in reality, both are highly reactionary… For example… actually… i won’t give examples… I feel in generalizing either party, I’m falling into my own doublethink… Most people are at least semi-rational… their beliefs are based on other beliefs… however I also proposed that most people hold at least some irrational beliefs… most of the time contradicting some other belief (purely because it is false that 2 contrary beliefs can co-exist as true).

anyways… the movie idea i was thinking of was sorta like “Idiocracy” … to follow the one person that doesn’t have contrary beliefs… (it would probably be best if this protagonist wasn’t human)… as he/she/it observes how, despite all their differences, people are trying to do the right thing.

Looking back… isn’t the most thorough idea… but I feel it would be nice to have a movie with a strongly moderate (oxymoron?) message.

Long Live Long Cat

Long Cat is gone… Long Live Long Cat

“SciFi about bioweapon that causes overgrowth”

-E-ticket

Don’t know exactly what I was thinking when I wrote this one down… though at the moment it conjures up memories of Cat’s Cradle and Ice-nine… but also a little bit of Poison Ivy (probably due to my overplaying of  Batman this week).

PS – there aren’t going to be many quick postings… this week is very busy

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

Except this one was a zombie movie…

The idea is written on the e-ticket as “TechnoZombie”… but the ideas that stem from it are too awesome to all write down on one peice of paper.

The TechnoZombie would be part cyborg, in essence very Borg like, their remaining organic flesh begins to rot and decay like a normal zombie, but their cyborgness adds to their non-human-ness…

While the normal zombie would be at home in a shopping mall (*bows toward Romero*), the technoZombie would take over either positions that robots would do today (like car manufacturing) or programming jobs (desiring brains to add to a collective… but that is a bit too borg-y)…

As social commentary, the technoZombie could again symbolize the mass consumerism that surrounds the electronics and entertainment industries.

Additionally, I think the best way to portray this type of movie would be from the viewpoint of someone who was human, but was one of the first people to get a new type of cybernetic enhancement. As the story progressed, the character would loose his open-mindedness (or perhaps it would become more open through a hive-mind like collaboration *something that isn’t shown often*). Actually, I like the idea that he becomes more creative more… as it replicates much of the memes and mashups of today.

One more extra bit… technoZombies love quoting things. *stares at Matt*

“Sped-up MoTown songs. 8bit-Techno-Funky!”

Was listening to the credits and DVD title of Jackie Brown @ ~1.4-2x speed…

Anyways, this idea is different than most of the ideas I have written up because it is about video games (Most are music or movie related).

The E-Ticket states: “Video Game w/ non-linear story, more like Tarantino or ‘momento’”

This stems from my recent watchings of True Romance, Jackie Brown and Pulp Fiction. I love how those movies are pieced together, but videogames seem to always follow a linear progression of a story. Sure there might be a flashback or two, but they are often directly framed by the game’s narrative. This video game would introduce the player to the virtual world in segments; maybe start the game with all of the skills and powerups unlocked for a quick fun intro into how the game can be, but then start the next segment with only a few of them (or none!).

In writing this I feel I probably have overlooked some video game that does this (and unless it was done very well it could come across as frustrating/cheap). Nevertheless,  this does not invalidate this post. Videogames, for the most part, follow very traditional storytelling methods (e.g. Start at A go to B, then x happens and you have to go to C, …), but videogames, just like any other media, don’t have to be constrained by this. In the end, I attribute this to the age of videogames. Just now are we beginning to even start to approach photorealism, and just like the early movie industry, people start with making the medium more visually appealing. After graphics can’t increase any more, games will have to start to innovate elsewhere;  my predictions being either through storytelling, interactivity, or visual style (the last two can be phenominal in video games due to their detachment from reality but similarly extreme attachment to the player (participant, viewer, artist?)).

In the end… I’m very excited to see what videogames do in the years to come… and I wish it would happen sooner

“Clerks-like movie- ‘Labor Day’- people traveling around looking for open stores”

I’ve thought about it a little more… Each scene should be a different set of characters… intertwining (yeah yeah very Tarantino-esque)… It should be exploring the small moments that everyone experiences… tying together people that often don’t seem to get along… each scene glorifying and demeaning the particular viewpoints of the current protagonist.

Though i think that that is a little too film-school… Ideally… it would just be a highlight reel of an average day… since that is what people live with.

PS… Kevin Smith… If you ever read this… I’d like to talk about Clerks (if you haven’t heard enough about it already)…