I remembered today that I had a blog.
I also remembered that I haven’t posted on said blog in a very long while.
I decided that today I’d write a little bit about how I’m feeling today. For the casual viewer… you might want to read something else… I know I would.
Anyways… to start things off… I’m really fucking depressed right now. Not exactly sure what it is… but I think it is a mix of nostalgia, longing for other possible outcomes, or a general loneliness after realizing that it is Friday night and not only is there no one for me to talk to, but realizing that even if I did, I don’t think that I can really explain why I’m feeling the way I am.
I am currently in tears… I didn’t start crying until I wrote this. Though looking back on my life I’ve had several of these moments. Moments that I can see that I am alone, not just at the current moment; but through most of my life. At the times in my life that I’ve realized this before… I usually just try and go to sleep, and in the morning I might find that I have written something like this, maybe I just will be left with a memory to push out of mind. I do this because I know that this is a repeating cycle; the more lonely I feel the more lonely I am likely to become. But I also feel that this is not good. I need to attack whatever is making me feel this way. But that brings up a new point.
I sometimes feel like I am two people. I have my moments of over-excitedness ,usually to the point of being too chaotic (for lack of a better word) for people. But then I have my moments that I really hate everyone. Though all the while “I” am aware that “I” am acting this way. When I think about it provides a very strange disconnect.
I think this disconnect is the root of my mental problems. I never feel that I am really consciously communicating with anyone. However it is never just one feeling of disconnect. To explain it in semi-philosophical terms; At times I feel like I’m just a brain in a jar, my own mind creating what is happening and what is going to happen around me… I have a feeling that I have a hint of how something is going to turn out. At other times, I feel like a specter, not really existing in this world… but just observing.
At times I truly feel like I’m going crazy… or that I’ve always been crazy. But I always rely back on the “common knowledge” that if you know you are going crazy you aren’t going crazy. Whether or not that is actually true… I don’t care… because it has seemed to help me keep my sanity together somewhat.
As I get to this point, I’ve stopped tearing profusely… I feel better, and I can start to express my hate of crying…
Crying fucking sucks… whenever I’ve cried publicly, someone always wants to ask if I’m doing OK. Yes, I know they are being polite, but if I wanted or needed help I would ask them. Point 2: At times like today, I feel like I have no way of escaping crying… if I do, I just start feeling more and more depressed about whatever till I do.
Nevertheless, I still feel like it is unhealthy… I usually think about death and what would happen if I died at least once during each of these “episodes”… and even in my darkest depressions, I end up deciding that even though death might finally “calm the storm”; there are people out there that care about me. (WTF. I’m tearing up again writing that. FUCK CRYING! ok done.) But back on topic, I don’t think that thinking over the positives and negatives of suicide on a yearly basis is a good habit.
As horrible as I know it sounds, watching “Final Destination” the other day has sorta gotten to me. The inevitability and unpredictability of death is terrifying. It also (I can’t believe I’m writing this) has sorta knocked the “teenage-invincibility” out of me. I can’t just sorta roll through life. Each one of my actions has ramifications (as do each of my inactions). But at the same time, I feel like I have lost control of my life; but I can’t clearly explain why I feel that way.
Which brings me to my final point. I really hate it when I can’t express myself. Even thinking about not being able to explain what I’m thinking frustrates me to no end (It also makes it even harder for me to find the words I want to use…).
So this is going to be the final paragraph/sentence-thingy. If you’ve read through all of this… I’m sorry. Also, I’m not as much of a pussy/crazy as this makes me out to be. I just had to get all of this off my chest. And I can say right now, it feels pretty nice.
